Tanimaa Sultan Singh*
All humans feel the primary need for emotional love. It affects our self-worth and sense of security and significance. The ability to feel love in a relationship-platonic or non-platonic is central to its health.
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the Five Love Languages series, in his book “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” (1992) discusses how humans, based on their psychological makeup and early childhood experiences with their primary caregivers, understand love in 5 ‘languages.’ They are:
1. Words of Affirmation: This person primarily wants to be told that they are cared for. This can be accomplished through encouraging words that build and motivate, verbal compliments, and supportive statements that show appreciation and respect. “I'm proud of you”, “you are so special to me”, “I appreciate you”, “Thank you for...” and so on. Further, a compassionate and kind tone when communicating can make a positive difference.
2. Quality Time: This person primarily feels loved through undivided attention. To carry this out, one can create a sense of togetherness by spending dedicated time together. Putting down the phone, turning off the TV, and giving your partner uninterrupted attention through active listening, meaningful eye contact, and empathy when conversing can help.
3. Receiving Gifts: A gift is a visual symbol of love. It represents the sentiment that my partner was thinking about me. It doesn't need to be expensive. Gifts come in all sizes and shapes and can be purchased, made or found. An expensive watch or a flower from the garden can be equally cherished. It is about the thought and effort behind the object, reminding them that they are loved.
4. Acts of Service: This person primarily feels loved through practical actions. The act can be performed with or without one asking for it and can contribute to helping one’s partner and making them feel appreciated. It can include washing the dishes, organizing a special night-out, dealing with the annoying bank manager yourself or simply asking “What can I do to help?”
5. Physical Touch: This person primarily wants the physical expression of love. Physical presence and contact release the “love hormone,” Oxytocin, among others in the brain. Hugs, a massage, pats on the head and shoulder, holding hands, caresses, kisses, cuddles and sexual intercourse are some ways of expressing physical love. Note, that physical touch may or may not include sexual touching.
In most relationships, both partners have a different primary love language. We may speak our primary love language but our partner may not understand. Similarly, their expression of love gets lost in translation. You can use this lens to identify your partner's love language, as well as your own. A simple trick is to understand that most people express love the way they want to be loved. In addition, we can communicate our love language to our partner and make requests (not demands!) of how we want to be loved.
What if their love language does not come naturally to you? Simply put, Practice. If love is a language, with different dialects then one simply needs to put in the time, effort and discipline to attain fluency. Love is a choice. And that choice is yours.
*MA Clinical Psychology
